weekend wrap up, 7/31/17

This past weekend was a rare “all NYC” affair, instead of my usual roadwork. It was a mixed bag, but performing to a full house in Manhattan on a Saturday night is tough to beat. It reminds me of why I stuck with comedy, aside from that night I bombed and went home with the hottest chick in the club* after my second time onstage.

*For the record, didn’t get laid. But she gave me a ride back to Nassau County. Also this was at the old NY Comedy Club, so please judge the hotness accordingly. 

8:00 – Opening Clayton Fletcher’s show at Greenwich Village Comedy Club. Small crowd but they were a pleasant enough way to start the night; plus I got to flirt with Joanne Filan, my lovely married lesbian friend who’s worth the waste of effort.

I also wedged into a parking spot that appeared to be 2 feet shorter than the length of my car. Laws of physics, you are no match for my parallel parking skills, as recognized by the couple at the outside cafe who applauded when I got out of the car.


Not too shabby, and one corner away from the club. From this angle there’s plenty of room in front, in case someone wanted to part a bike or a very slim pony. 

10:00 – Opening the show upstairs at Broadway Comedy Club in the small room. Good thing it IS a small room, because the MC brought me up early and I had to run to the stage without losing my breath #gettingfat. New stuff did OK and I finished without burping up the humous and avocado sandwich from the nearby Westerly Health Market.

11:00 – Hauled ass to a new show at Artichoke Pizza in Bushwick, and immediately regretted having that shitty health food sandwich instead of a slice. It was good to see Neil Rubenstein and Mike Calcagno, two Long Island comics who inspire me with their work ethic. When I saw Mike have a decent set at McGuire’s, then spend the rest of the night scowling at his notes like he was going to punch the bar, I knew I’d found a kindred spirit. Neil’s a burly, tattooed guy who plays against type; kind, cerebral, but still casually mentions past illegal activities the way I might reference a Renaissance Lit course I took in college. I try not to look surprised when he brings up murder & mayhem.


I started with a bit-in-progress about Billy Joel, then realized these darn millennials had no idea what I was talking about, nor that Davey was still in the navy. After that weak-ass opening, I plowed through and ended on a story about the XXX video stores in old Times Square. I don’t think they knew what a video store was, either.

Also met the co-producers of the show, who did an excellent job filling the room. I hope it takes off as a weekly, if you’re in the area you should check it out.
CONVERGENCE: There was a woman playing the piano upstairs at the very moment my Piano Man joke was bombing in the basement.

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Me trying to look cool & street smart, and not like a middle-aged man wearing clown shoes. 

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“And what’s up with ‘be kind, rewind’? Anybody?”

8:00 – First show at Gotham. Never have to worry about offending the crowd when Jimmy Failla’s hosting because he doesn’t give a shit. I gave ‘em 12 minutes of magic before running to catch a downtown train.
TRAIN: Smelly

9:15 – Quick spot at the Grisly Pear on MacDougal. Only about 10 people but I talked my way through some new stuff. Ran into a show producer who asked me to send avails for the 1,000th time even though he hasn’t booked me since 2008. A friend who just got back from Cuba gave me a cigar, which might be illegal and/or mean she wants to have my baby. 


And what a good boy I am!

On the way back to the train I notice the line for the Comedy Cellar is around the block, and consider the possibility I may have made some wrong choices along the way.
Definitely pending
Indefinitely pending

10:00 – Back to Gotham. First some folks from the previous show recognized me while I was buying pretzels at CVS like a #rockstar. Happy, rowdy crowd – I was much looser and held my ground on a groaner joke. After the show I perched outside to get love from the audience leaving the club; a drunk guy talked to me about his dream of trying comedy and successfully blocked them all.
PRETZEL: The ones with the peanut butter inside A++++


For good times and bad times
I’ll be on your side forever morrrrrre

12:00 MIDNIGHT – Final Show. Bullshitting with Failla about how we’ve both gone further at comedy than ever expected, yet still have no idea how this business works. Headliner Jeff Dye chats with us and even though he’s younger, more successful and better looking, we decide not to throw him down the stairs. He’s very funny and a nice guy – enjoy your new home in Sherman Oaks, you son of a bitch!

Small audience, so I do a little crowd work, switch up the material, and try not to burp from the pepperoni slice I wolfed down behind the bar (no regrets). Mission accomplished; get paid, hustle up 7th Ave to catch the 1:06am train back to Long Island.
COLD PIZZA: Outstanding

8:30 – Kyle Ocasio’s Meltdown! show at QED Astoria. This was a fun one, especially since it’s not traditional standup. Was able to apply some techniques I’m learning in my storytelling class although acting-wise I still have the onstage physicality of Stephen Hawking.

I told a true sex tale from my experience as a homewrecker, which I’ll eventually post when I get a decent quality video. Upside: kept it honest, got plenty of laughs along with the gasps. Downside, driving to Astoria made me think of the chick who recently broke my poor little heart, so I was a sad clown boo hoo frowney face.
Hello 59th St Bridge; bye-bye love.

9:30 – Sunday Night Live at Broadway Comedy Club. This is my favorite show in NYC – my old pal Jamie Roberts books excellent lineups and gets quality crowds. We reminisce about our basement days (as if I wasn’t just in one the night before). Plus the show has more of an, ahem, “urban” feel, so I do jokes about race that freaks out all-white crowds. And by jokes I mean “aggressively hit on Black women in the audience” – the older, the hilariouser. Plus when there’s a DJ I have him intro me with hip-hop from 30+ years ago, which amuses me, Jamie, and no one else. 
PARKING: good for W 53rd

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Maybe I’ll move to DC

Coming Up This Week:
Mon 7/31 – Broadway Comedy Club 9:00
Tues 8/1 – Tom Shillue Show on FOX Radio 5-6pm
Thurs 8/3 – Governor’s Long Island 8:00
Fri 8/4 – Paradise Stream Poconos Resort 10:00
Sat 8/5 – Pocono Palace Resort 10:00

FOX News Specialists 7/28/17


FUN FACT! One of these people is neither a specialist nor a Miss America
FUN FACT #2! Almost all of the negative tweets I’m getting are near incomprehensible due to spelling and/or grammatical errors
FUN FACT #3! I need to cut some carbs

My first appearance on The Specialists was a good time. It’s a lot more rough ‘n’ tumble than the shows I’m usually on, but then again Greg Gutfeld, Tom Shillue and Kennedy are more in line with my views (small “l” libertarian) than traditional conservatives, political liberals, or Trump supporters. I was surprised when Eric reacted so strongly to my first goofy comment but I like that it made me explain myself – I don’t usually have to do that on the other shows. My only regret was that it was over a basic Trump-hair joke.

I was laughing from the moment they did my intro. They dug up some very old credits to pad my resume, but it reminded me I need to get some new writing bona fides besides the fabulous work I’m doing on this very blog. If “comedian” alone undermined my credibility, that should’ve been clear once I opened my mouth!

The response online has been the usual hodgepodge of people saying I’m not funny, why is a funny person on a serious show, how dare I, etc. I don’t know either, but as long as shows keep booking me, I’ll keep showing up. I’m having fun, so suck it. And if you think telling me I’m short and odd looking is news, you’ve never heard any of my standup. As a bonus, I will challenge any of you to a pullup contest and win 3/4 times.

Viewers also like to ascribe political beliefs to me before I’ve even opened my mouth, which says a lot about them and nothing about moi. I learned this from doing Red Eye:  some will watch the same video clip and call me both a nazi Trump stooge, and others will call me a liberal commie homo vegetarian. They finish with the exact same thoughts they started with, and nothing will change that. What neither side seems to grasp is the power to change the channel is within them all along.

What can I say? I’m all things to all people – a Meryl Streep of basic cable punditry. LOSE YOURSELF IN THE WONDER OF JOE DEVITO.


“Brought to you by Meryl Streep’s ‘Versatility.’
Smell like Streep…for cheap!”
– The Simpsons, episode #49