RECENT VISIT WITH MOM & DAD (transcript)
MOM: Do you need dishes? We cleaned out your aunt’s apartment and she had a lot of dishes.
ME: No thanks, mom.
MOM: Are you sure? She lived to be 96, that’s a lot of dishes.
ME: I don’t need dishes. I eat from the crook of my elbows while standing over the toilet.
MOM: That’s not funny. How about towels, do you need towels? She had a lot of towels.
ME: Good on towels, too.
MOM: No you’re not. I KNOW you aren’t. You probably dry yourself with rags. These towels are like new. Otherwise we’ll have to throw them out, it’s a waste. They won’t take them at the Goodwill, even with the tags still on them. They wouldn’t take the dishes, either.
ME: I don’t need…
MOM: Come on, these are beautiful towels. Look at them. Why should we throw away perfectly good towels? I know you don’t have good towels. I know this…
ME: All right! I’ll take the stupid towels… guess I can use the small ones at the gym.
MOM: The gym! The gym? You can’t use a towel like this at the gym. These are GOOD towels. I can’t give you a towel like this to be used at the gym. The woman was 96 years old!
ME: I no longer have the strength to continue this conversation.
DAD (from the other room, unprompted): What?
MOM (handing me a cardboard box): Here. I packed up some of the dishes for you, too.
– fin –